This afternoon I took a short- but ultimately inspiring- stroll out to my humble back porch.
After having bonked my head on a left over deer leg on the way down there, I soon found myself spacing out in a lawn chair, smoking a cigarette and ruminating on the fact that my back yard looks like a real piece of “Live Action.”
…And that’s when I encountered thoughts of The Turtle Man…
” Yee, yee, yee, yee, YEE!!!! ” This man is Amazing!! Old boy tools around rural Kentucky plunging his mitts into snake infested death traps and swimming around in shit swamps looking for Shit-Snappers to pluck out of peoples’ homes and land with his bare ass hands!
—And not just Shit-Snappers, either; this man is a FULL Critter Bustin’ Squad! (Bustin’ Makes Him FeeeeL GooOooD!)
I’m talkin’ Opossums, Raccoon, Foxes, Bobcats, Zebras- you Kentucky-name it! I have seen this man rub down his own face and entire body with living, flapping, nasty ass chickens just to neutralize his scent…
And for all this, he gets a handsome compensation of………. JACK SQUAT!!! Let me break down the client payments from a few episodes of the show:
Big Ass Snake Removal of a M#therf#cking TOILET SNAKE For an Elderly Lady : $35 + an apple pie
Double Skunk Removal Including Crew, Head Protection & Stench Blankets : $22+ basket of potatoes
Removal of a Shit Snapper From a Man’s Family Pond & Giving Personalized Lessons to the Man on How to Turtle Hunt for Himself : $0
Raccoon Removal From a Makeshift Well Which he Repelled Down into Using Only a Broken Ladder & Got Bitten By an Albino Raccoon in the Process : $35
Are you freaking serious?!! This is elephant ass!!! …And on that note, at the rate it’s going, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ringling called him in next week to do their elephant colonoscopies for a couple sticks of sugar free gum. “Thanks, Turt; we owe ya one. Please accept this pack of Nabs as a token of our gratitude. …You enjoy those, buddy- don’t eat ’em all at once!”
After a skunk spray, it takes more than $22 just to get smellin’ right again! — And old boy bathes in rain barrels and TUPPERWARE! He couldn’t even eat the bonus potatoes- he had to use them in his tupperware bath to soak up the skunk smell!!! Egregious.
Have MERCY, people! The man has NO TEETH for GOD’S SAKE!!!! Come on!! Help a backwoods brother out!!!