People of Walmart: In-home Safari Edition


So, this morning, I was fortunate enough to observe this little critter in the kitchen.  The live-in boyfriend in his natural habitat.  These creatures are extraordinarily rare and usually only allow themselves to be sighted in this exemplary state after you’ve dedicated at least 3 years to tracking them and observing their behaviors.

Once they’ve become accustomed to your presence in their environment, they may grow comfortable enough to display some of their atavistic preferences, natural inclinations and primal behaviors.  (For instance, the live in boyfriend may produce confusing vocalizations indicating that it wants to have a sexual relationship with you, even though it is 3pm and if you scour its preferred area of the lair, the careful observer will note that its crudely crafted toothbrush is still dry as a motherf#cking bone.)

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During mating season, the creature will often hike its pant leg up to let other males see that its feet are serious, and fan out its decorative laces to attract females.

 Note the great lengths it goes to in order to camouflage itself into the grunge of its current surroundings.  Nature has flawlessly equipped its body with the precise and distinct features it requires for survival in hostile terrain.  Marvel at how its feet are endowed with natural roach stompers, ready to spring into action at the first sign of a threat.  Why, this particular pair seems stout enough to defend against even large game, should an errant moose appear without warning.

Note the speed and agility with which the specimen reacts when it senses roach-approach

Note the speed and agility with which the specimen reacts when it senses roach-approach

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Many people will go a lifetime without beholding this proud, beautiful animal.  Although nature is the true artist of this scene, and I but a mere painter, I consider myself blessed.       And deeply humbled by the things I’ve seen.

A Tirade For The Turtle Man

This afternoon I took a short- but ultimately inspiring- stroll out to my humble back porch.

After having bonked my head on a left over deer leg on the way down there, I soon found myself spacing out in a lawn chair, smoking a cigarette and ruminating on the fact that my back yard looks like a real piece of “Live Action.”

Shank of Culprit (My boyfriend hunts.)

Shank of Culprit (My boyfriend hunts.)

…And that’s when I encountered thoughts of The Turtle Man…

The legend, himself

The legend, himself

” Yee, yee, yee, yee, YEE!!!! ”  This man is Amazing!!  Old boy tools around rural Kentucky plunging his mitts into snake infested death traps and swimming around in shit swamps looking for Shit-Snappers to pluck out of peoples’ homes and land with his bare ass hands!

—And not just Shit-Snappers, either; this man is a FULL Critter Bustin’  Squad!  (Bustin’ Makes Him FeeeeL GooOooD!)

I’m talkin’ Opossums, Raccoon, Foxes, Bobcats, Zebras- you Kentucky-name it!  I have seen this man rub down his own face and entire body with living, flapping, nasty ass chickens just to neutralize his scent…

And for all this, he gets a handsome compensation of……….  JACK SQUAT!!!  Let me break down the client payments from a few episodes of the show:

Big Ass Snake Removal of a M#therf#cking TOILET SNAKE For an Elderly Lady  :  $35 + an apple pie
Double Skunk Removal Including Crew, Head Protection & Stench Blankets  :  $22+ basket of potatoes
Removal of a Shit Snapper From a Man’s Family Pond & Giving Personalized Lessons to the Man on How to Turtle Hunt for Himself  :   $0
Raccoon Removal From a Makeshift Well Which he Repelled Down into Using Only a Broken Ladder & Got Bitten By an Albino Raccoon in the Process  :  $35

Are you freaking serious?!!  This is elephant ass!!!   …And on that note, at the rate it’s going, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ringling called him in next week to do their elephant colonoscopies for a couple sticks of sugar free gum.  “Thanks, Turt; we owe ya one.  Please accept this pack of Nabs as a token of our gratitude.  …You enjoy those, buddy- don’t eat ’em all at once!”

You're welcome.

You’re welcome.

After a skunk spray, it takes more than $22 just to get smellin’ right again!  — And old boy bathes in rain barrels and TUPPERWARE!  He couldn’t even eat the bonus potatoes- he had to use them in his tupperware bath to soak up the skunk smell!!!  Egregious.

Turtle bath

Turtle bath

Have MERCY, people!  The man has NO TEETH for GOD’S SAKE!!!!  Come on!!  Help a backwoods brother out!!!



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