Westboro Baptist Church Thinks Self Righteousness is a Sex Organ, & They’ve Spent Their Entire Lives Just Diddling It.

It occurred to me this afternoon that the members of Westboro Baptist Church are like a bunch of toddlers in their Freudian anal fixation stage.  Except they never grow out of it.
head in ass
They are obsessed with these nutso concepts to the point that not only does this obsession dictate their narrow existences, but their blind servitude often causes the mongering of these concepts to [fairly] come off as completely nonsensical.  (They are surely breeding themselves stupider.)

I’ve noticed their constant jam is to construct their pitiful, limp, micro-dick, little signs out of an arbitrary string of hot words that ultimately come out to sad/ “wtf”, at best.

Take these gems for example.  Don’t be shy to freakin’ FEAST your eyes on these little slices of egregion; I assure you they are real.

Ok, I did make up the word "egregion" (noun form of egregious), but wtf is a Bitch Burger?!

Ok, I did make up the word “egregion” (noun form of egregious), but wtf is a Bitch Burger?!    Lemonade?  Wait, I didn't even know that delightful beverage was mentioned in the bible.  When did lemonade make the shit list? Lemonade?  Wait, I didn’t even know that delightfully refreshing beverage was mentioned in the bible. When did lemonade make the shit list?! 

And then some of their handiwork is just plan confusing…

There's another WBC pic of them holding a sign that says "YOU Hate God."  So, wait- does God hate me or do I hate God?  ...I'm confused, cuz I didn't even know about this.

There’s another WBC pic of them holding a sign that says “YOU Hate God.”  So, wait- does God hate me, or do I hate God? …I’m confused, cuz I didn’t even know about this

gods rod

(back left)  What’s God’s rod? And why are we talking about rods? Doesn’t that seem unnecessarily “fag-like”? Is this a subtle attempt at coming out, or did that little gem just bust the f#ck out of the closet by itself?

Well, looks like Whitney's in hell.  Damn.

Well, looks like Whitney’s in hell. Damn.

Aaaaanddd the queen of England is the queen of fags.

Aaaaanddd the queen of England has secretly been the queen of fags the whole time!

Soft and Sweet

image (8)I came across a badly injured rabbit in the road today and it looked like it still had some fight left, so I hopped (pun deliciously and obnoxiously intended) out of my car, scooped it up, wrapped it up in a fuzzy, purple robe, and took it home.  

There will be no inquiries regarding why I was rolling around with a spare robe in my car; I like comfort, sue me.

Old girl was riding shotgun so I could keep tabs on the situation, and also because she called it before I could open the door.  I love animals, but I am so horrifically aware of the movements of tiny, erratic ones (like BATS, God Forbid!)  and I was mildly petrified that she was going to hyper-animate and attack me at any given moment.  I  sucked it up and drove home as fast as humanly possible.

As of now, she resides in my kitchen with ample water and a Golden Corral’s worth of veggies, waiting for fate to make its decision.  …I hope she makes it; either way, she’s too precious not to share.

The little Sweets nestled into her robe

The little Sweets nestled into her robe

People of Walmart: In-home Safari Edition

Image

So, this morning, I was fortunate enough to observe this little critter in the kitchen.  The live-in boyfriend in his natural habitat.  These creatures are extraordinarily rare and usually only allow themselves to be sighted in this exemplary state after you’ve dedicated at least 3 years to tracking them and observing their behaviors.

Once they’ve become accustomed to your presence in their environment, they may grow comfortable enough to display some of their atavistic preferences, natural inclinations and primal behaviors.  (For instance, the live in boyfriend may produce confusing vocalizations indicating that it wants to have a sexual relationship with you, even though it is 3pm and if you scour its preferred area of the lair, the careful observer will note that its crudely crafted toothbrush is still dry as a motherf#cking bone.)

image (6)

During mating season, the creature will often hike its pant leg up to let other males see that its feet are serious, and fan out its decorative laces to attract females.

 Note the great lengths it goes to in order to camouflage itself into the grunge of its current surroundings.  Nature has flawlessly equipped its body with the precise and distinct features it requires for survival in hostile terrain.  Marvel at how its feet are endowed with natural roach stompers, ready to spring into action at the first sign of a threat.  Why, this particular pair seems stout enough to defend against even large game, should an errant moose appear without warning.

Note the speed and agility with which the specimen reacts when it senses roach-approach

Note the speed and agility with which the specimen reacts when it senses roach-approach

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Many people will go a lifetime without beholding this proud, beautiful animal.  Although nature is the true artist of this scene, and I but a mere painter, I consider myself blessed.       And deeply humbled by the things I’ve seen.

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