I have officially speed walked/jogged/run/whatever at least 3 miles a day on the treadmill for three days in a row now, & I Am Kicking Ass With Christmas Boots!!! What a great feeling!!
I’m young, not at all overweight & I don’t *look* like I’m in bad shape – a fact which inspires within me a sense of real gratefulness, as well as a karmic expectation that I’m suspiciously overdue for an episode in which I just stroke the f#ck over next week. “Hmmm, she’s jiggly… *tooooo0* jiggly.” Cue Inception sound effect.
I loathe exercise, but this is a new year & I’m planning to get my shit together a little bit better. My ability to procrastinate could hold up Charon himself for days…
“Cool it, Char- I just need to find my lipstick. …K. I’m also not getting on any boats without snack packs. Where can I find some Nabs in this joint?? Oh, & I’ll be needing to run & go grab a couple magazines…”
so I’m really proud of myself for making some kick ass moves & getting off to a great start! I think most of us usually tend to give ourselves more criticism than praise & most of us could really benefit from a few more pats on the back from ourselves. It’s healthy, and the better & more balanced we feel within ourselves, the better we are for those around us. So, on that note, I just wanted to take a minute to trumpet- and hopefully spread- some positivity & self love.
New year, new start, no reason not to spend it kickin’ ass!
The wind and weather on my skin when it’s continuously below 10 degrees outside.
And actually it’s not my ass at all, I just adore the flowery sense of feminine fragility evoked by that expression. But seriously, my hands look like a couple “wing slices” of dry-ass, roasted, Thanksgiving turkey made by Aunt Bethany- a once smart, attractive, young woman who is now senile as shit & riding the razor edge of blind & deaf- who forgot she had that 6 pound beast in the oven overnight, cooked the holy shit out of it, & brought it to Thanksgiving anyway because she doesn’t know any better anymore.
And do treat yourself to the knowledge that they’re rougher to the touch than they are on the eyes. Sending “shit-outs” to winter …& Aunt Bethany.
Can you make me work in this hotel all by myself on Thanksgiving Day? Yes.
Can you stop me from rooting around where the continental breakfast items are kept, locating the industrial size bag of Lucky Charms, fixing myself a whopping bowl comprised solely of all the marshmallows which I’ve now carefully plucked out by hand, leaving only a dry, flavorless wasteland of an excuse for cereal in the bag? No. No, you cannot.
Happy Thanksgiving.
It occurred to me this afternoon that the members of Westboro Baptist Church are like a bunch of toddlers in their Freudian anal fixation stage. Except they never grow out of it.
They are obsessed with these nutso concepts to the point that not only does this obsession dictate their narrow existences, but their blind servitude often causes the mongering of these concepts to [fairly] come off as completely nonsensical. (They are surely breeding themselves stupider.)
I’ve noticed their constant jam is to construct their pitiful, limp, micro-dick, little signs out of an arbitrary string of hot words that ultimately come out to sad/ “wtf”, at best.
Take these gems for example. Don’t be shy to freakin’ FEAST your eyes on these little slices of egregion; I assure you they are real.
And then some of their handiwork is just plan confusing…
I came across a badly injured rabbit in the road today and it looked like it still had some fight left, so I hopped (pun deliciously and obnoxiously intended) out of my car, scooped it up, wrapped it up in a fuzzy, purple robe, and took it home.
There will be no inquiries regarding why I was rolling around with a spare robe in my car; I like comfort, sue me.
Old girl was riding shotgun so I could keep tabs on the situation, and also because she called it before I could open the door. I love animals, but I am so horrifically aware of the movements of tiny, erratic ones (like BATS, God Forbid!) and I was mildly petrified that she was going to hyper-animate and attack me at any given moment. I sucked it up and drove home as fast as humanly possible.
As of now, she resides in my kitchen with ample water and a Golden Corral’s worth of veggies, waiting for fate to make its decision. …I hope she makes it; either way, she’s too precious not to share.
So, this morning, I was fortunate enough to observe this little critter in the kitchen. The live-in boyfriend in his natural habitat. These creatures are extraordinarily rare and usually only allow themselves to be sighted in this exemplary state after you’ve dedicated at least 3 years to tracking them and observing their behaviors.
Once they’ve become accustomed to your presence in their environment, they may grow comfortable enough to display some of their atavistic preferences, natural inclinations and primal behaviors. (For instance, the live in boyfriend may produce confusing vocalizations indicating that it wants to have a sexual relationship with you, even though it is 3pm and if you scour its preferred area of the lair, the careful observer will note that its crudely crafted toothbrush is still dry as a motherf#cking bone.)
Note the great lengths it goes to in order to camouflage itself into the grunge of its current surroundings. Nature has flawlessly equipped its body with the precise and distinct features it requires for survival in hostile terrain. Marvel at how its feet are endowed with natural roach stompers, ready to spring into action at the first sign of a threat. Why, this particular pair seems stout enough to defend against even large game, should an errant moose appear without warning.
Many people will go a lifetime without beholding this proud, beautiful animal. Although nature is the true artist of this scene, and I but a mere painter, I consider myself blessed. And deeply humbled by the things I’ve seen.
This afternoon I took a short- but ultimately inspiring- stroll out to my humble back porch.
After having bonked my head on a left over deer leg on the way down there, I soon found myself spacing out in a lawn chair, smoking a cigarette and ruminating on the fact that my back yard looks like a real piece of “Live Action.”
…And that’s when I encountered thoughts of The Turtle Man…
” Yee, yee, yee, yee, YEE!!!! ” This man is Amazing!! Old boy tools around rural Kentucky plunging his mitts into snake infested death traps and swimming around in shit swamps looking for Shit-Snappers to pluck out of peoples’ homes and land with his bare ass hands!
—And not just Shit-Snappers, either; this man is a FULL Critter Bustin’ Squad! (Bustin’ Makes Him FeeeeL GooOooD!)
I’m talkin’ Opossums, Raccoon, Foxes, Bobcats, Zebras- you Kentucky-name it! I have seen this man rub down his own face and entire body with living, flapping, nasty ass chickens just to neutralize his scent…
And for all this, he gets a handsome compensation of………. JACK SQUAT!!! Let me break down the client payments from a few episodes of the show:
Big Ass Snake Removal of a M#therf#cking TOILET SNAKE For an Elderly Lady : $35 + an apple pie
Double Skunk Removal Including Crew, Head Protection & Stench Blankets : $22+ basket of potatoes
Removal of a Shit Snapper From a Man’s Family Pond & Giving Personalized Lessons to the Man on How to Turtle Hunt for Himself : $0
Raccoon Removal From a Makeshift Well Which he Repelled Down into Using Only a Broken Ladder & Got Bitten By an Albino Raccoon in the Process : $35
Are you freaking serious?!! This is elephant ass!!! …And on that note, at the rate it’s going, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ringling called him in next week to do their elephant colonoscopies for a couple sticks of sugar free gum. “Thanks, Turt; we owe ya one. Please accept this pack of Nabs as a token of our gratitude. …You enjoy those, buddy- don’t eat ’em all at once!”
After a skunk spray, it takes more than $22 just to get smellin’ right again! — And old boy bathes in rain barrels and TUPPERWARE! He couldn’t even eat the bonus potatoes- he had to use them in his tupperware bath to soak up the skunk smell!!! Egregious.
Have MERCY, people! The man has NO TEETH for GOD’S SAKE!!!! Come on!! Help a backwoods brother out!!!
Welcome To The Real NPR”
” This is Full Time Edition from *NPR* News. Welcome, this is Thalia Theroux.
And this is news of my world. ”